Hello,
Last night I hit my emotional rock bottom and when this usually happens I can make it through it and fight back or I give up and throw my hands in the air and cry which leads to self pity and wanting to end my life which ends up with me overdosing on pain killers, any form of pills that will numb all my pains and sorrows. Its been a rough three years I am starting to believe I see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you are wondering what I went through these years I was young and dumb in university and wanted to party decided to drop out (I would have been graduating this year and could have been an RN nurse but god had other plans for me), the only man I truly loved going in and out of the hospital due to health problems to him being on life support while I was in Spain but he is still here and I am forever grateful for that (My grandpa is my rock that holds me together and the only man I will ever listen to until I meet mr.right but if I dont find him I am happy with a women), My best friend died when I was in Africa and no one told me until I was close to coming home, its heartbreaking finding out someone you had your life planned together (He was my first friend I made in university I still have not been to the campus since he died the memories are horrible still cause I have this feeling I need to find him on campus but he is not there), I ended up in rehab last year and this place broke me and taught me how to deal with my feelings and grow up, after rehab it didn’t take awhile for me to go into old behaviors lots of sex, drugs, and alcohol before all of the shady shit I met a guy and I was determine I would not fall in love with him because he wasn’t my type i.e. rich, successful, good looking, and ass hole type personality. Well I fell in love with him and I do what I normally do when someone gets close to me I RUNAWAY, he came back into my life and taught me how to love unconditionally and to look inside someone rather than the outside. Months and months of were together to I never want to talk to you again and I always went back to him, Why? I believe I was comfortable with him and was scared to lose him and never get a guy like that ever again.
This is three years summed up some what short. Now last night I cried all night because my ex said he couldn’t do what we were doing anymore because he feels he taken advantage of me, which I must say is the first time a guy ever said that to me. He fixed my car and gave me one last kiss good bye and left. With the shit I put myself through in the past couple of months, I wanted to numb that pain and forget everyone, my plan was A) Runaway and start a new life never talk to anyone again family or friends. B) Attempt to end my life. or C) Let out all my emotions and cry because that’s healing and think of a solution. I decided on living my life, pick myself up, and start life over again.
I hate depression and I dislike people who are overly happy all the time like fuck me give me what your on, my doctor is always the happy type I swear he’s on speed or something he all over the place and “high on life,” my ass haha!
The escorting has to end, no more sugar daddy, no more being a mistress because the truth is he will never leaving his life long partner and no matter how much he tells you he wants to be with you its a load of shit, I even know this and I tell my friends that all the time but I continue on going against my own advice (INSANITY expecting different outcomes when its always the same one), no more dating until I love myself and allow these wounds to heal, but I am not giving up on my sex drive just one booty call 😉
My plan getting a boring ass humbling job hooray to minimum wage job (sarcasm) its my fault for being a university drop out, save enough money to get my own place, start paying my debts, and live a yeppy lifestyle?
Also looking at going back into university just take a low stress course load!
anonymouscanadiangirl's Blog 