I want you to stay, It’s not much of a life you’re living

Hello,

Last night I hit my emotional rock bottom and when this usually happens I can make it through it and fight back or I give up and throw my hands in the air and cry which leads to self pity and wanting to end my life which ends up with me overdosing on pain killers, any form of pills that will numb all my pains and sorrows. Its been a rough three years I am starting to believe I see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you are wondering what I went through these years I was young and dumb in university and wanted to party decided to drop out (I would have been graduating this year and could have been an RN nurse but god had other plans for me), the only man I truly loved going in and out of the hospital due to health problems to him being on life support while I was in Spain but he is still here and I am forever grateful for that (My grandpa is my rock that holds me together and the only man I will ever listen to until I meet mr.right but if I dont find him I am happy with a women), My best friend died when I was in Africa and no one told me until I was close to coming home, its heartbreaking finding out someone you had your life planned together (He was my first friend I made in university I still have not been to the campus since he died the memories are horrible still cause I have this feeling I need to find him on campus but he is not there), I ended up in rehab last year and this place broke me and taught me how to deal with my feelings and grow up, after rehab it didn’t take awhile for me to go into old behaviors lots of sex, drugs, and alcohol before all of the shady shit I met a guy and I was determine I would not fall in love with him because he wasn’t my type i.e. rich, successful, good looking, and ass hole type personality. Well I fell in love with him and I do what I normally do when someone gets close to me I RUNAWAY, he came back into my life and taught me how to love unconditionally and to look inside someone rather than the outside. Months and months of were together to I never want to talk to you again and I always went back to him, Why? I believe I was comfortable  with him and was scared to lose him and never get a guy like that ever again.

This is three years summed up some what short. Now last night I cried all night because my ex said he couldn’t do what we were doing anymore because he feels he taken advantage of me, which I must say is the first time a guy ever said that to me. He fixed my car and gave me one last kiss good bye and left. With the shit I put myself through in the past couple of months, I wanted to numb that pain and forget everyone, my plan was A) Runaway and start a new life never talk to anyone again family or friends. B) Attempt to end my life. or C) Let out all my emotions and cry because that’s healing and think of a solution. I decided on living my life, pick myself up, and start life over again.

I hate depression and I dislike people who are overly happy all the time like fuck me give me what your on, my doctor is always the happy type I swear he’s on speed or something he all over the place and “high on life,” my ass haha!

The escorting has to end, no more sugar daddy, no more being a mistress because the truth is he will never leaving his life long partner and no matter how much he tells you he wants to be with you its a load of shit, I even know this and I tell my friends that all the time but I continue on going against my own advice (INSANITY expecting different outcomes when its always the same one), no more dating until I love myself and allow these wounds to heal, but I am not giving up on my sex drive just one booty call 😉

My plan getting a boring ass humbling job hooray to minimum wage job (sarcasm) its my fault for being a university drop out, save enough money to get my own place, start paying my debts, and live a yeppy lifestyle?

 

Also looking at going back into university just take a low stress course load!

Day 9,10,11

Sorry I have missed three days of writing!

Well to let you all know what’s going on in point form because its late and I’m tired.

What’s going on:
-The guy who broke my heart has been apologizing over and over to me. I told him I’m not ready to forgive him because I’m emotional train wreck.

-My ex bf who is a complete dick and I always go back to him and he is still a dick. Honestly I like to think I’m a good catch minus my issue with drinking and my dark lifestyle but when it comes to relationship I’m loyal, honest, loving, open minded, and fun. I mean come on men how many gfs have you had that is okay with you wanting to have women/men join in the bed, kinky and likes to try new things, and is young an cute? Talks about he wants kid, he wants me to have a gf in the bedroom, and wants me to use toys on him and for all of that I said yes no questions asked but nothing is good enough for him. He calls me horrible names, treats me like shit, and than calls me to tell me he misses me, he’s sorry, and while he was fucking other women he thought of me the whole time….. What the fuck right! Any sane women would have left his ass a long time ago and I wonder why do I always go back. To be honest its because I believe this is the only man I can get because growing up this was how men were to my mother and how men treated me. I was abused by men, sexually assaulted by men, and bullied by men it makes sense why I attract those psychos. In my mind if I were to have a baby, I would think that everything will be fine and have a happy family which is bullshit because I know he would just get more abusive.

– I have decided on sticking to escorting, some people probably think wow why don’t you get a job. Well I did graduate high school, I went to University, and I have worked my whole life since I was 13 years old. I can get a minimum wage job started at 10.00/hr, hating my job wonder why I never graduated university and feel humiliated working there or I can choose to make a 180/hr possibility of more added onto the rate for special requests. I will be honest its addicting and I get to give GFE which is amazing for me because I can be very loving and compassionate to someone and some men honestly just want to have someone acknowledge them and give them attention, when they are not getting it they look for women like me who can meet there needs and have no commitments attach. Positive I will go to hell, I remember when I was a young teen going to church everyone in the church shunned me and called me a sinner. Its true I was born a bad girl!

That’s all I got for now.

Day 6

Hello World,

I am back to where I was a year ago, traveling around in my car, drinking, looking for drugs, and escorting.

You know before every call I get, I am scared shitless my heart pounding, heads spinning wondering if this is the that I will get beaten my ass up by a man or how long its going to take before I get a disease. I’ve been lucky in the past and have always been clean but lately I haven’t been playing safe and it scares me but at the same time I’m drinking and my moral compass is broken. The thought that’s in my mind is having a bastard child (out of wedlock & I am a prostitute) how will I live with this, my future I may be young and making dumb decisions but this is one you will have for the rest of your life, I tell myself I will have an abortion but am I really capable of taking an unborn child life? No I am not. I need to get my act together but at the same time its so hard. People think you can just end this lifestyle you can’t it becomes an addiction its self I get a rush and excitement from it no other drug can give me, I only drink/drugs after the call because than I’m all alone in my room wondering why I keep doing this.

How am I suppose to tell a future partner about my past? No man/women would want a whore for a wife. Its stuff like this that keeps me doing what I am doing.

You all don’t know I was in a abusive relationship with a man who love the fact of me being a “whore/escort” when we met I was innocent and young at 17 years old he corrupted my mind and introduce me to this world and have been doing it for 4 years.

Its the judgmental comments of people who don’t know anything about my past and what its like to walk in my shoes. If they only knew we would all get a long but life is what it is. One day when I can accept this I will be able to quit drinking/using until than I’m slowly killing myself hour by hour and day by day.

Sincerely,

Anonymous Canadian Girl